I have created this new blog post series called ‘Wandering Thoughts’ as a place for me to voice what is going on in my head and to start discussions with others about the not-so-lighthearted topics we sometimes dismiss.
When I was around the age of sixteen I was served up a soup pot of anxiety, depression and all other complimenting flavours in between.
This was the peak of my oh so crazy rebellious teenage years. I was unstoppable, unmanageable, and lacking all the respect for my mental and physical health.
Mental Health at the time to me was overshadowed by all those depressive Tumblr blogs with the black and white photos of scars and bones. Basically just an aesthetic. I mean, all the quirky kids were sad right?
I related my youth at that time a lot to the film ‘Thirteen’. A film my mum recommended me in hopes It would snap me back into place but naive young me just thought it was ‘cool’.
It’s not until you grow up you realise how bloody serious it is to take care of your Mental Health or at least that’s where I’m at now, I guess this realisation hits us all at different stages, or some, not at all.
After spiralling out of control in my mid-teens I finally put my big girl boots on and made the hard decision to turn my life around, move back home, get some help and get back on track, so to speak.
In the best kind of fantasy world you would expect when all things got better they stayed better and that all the pain and suffering would be washed away with the tides and all would be bliss.
But unfortunately, this isn’t that kind of world. Although I can say I really have picked back up a vast amount from my teens. I have felt such immense happiness, achieved so many wonderful things and all in all, have lived a pretty damn great life thus far and for this, I am so grateful.
But I still get, ‘those days’ and unfortunately those days equated to the hard truth, that maybe, just maybe, I need a little bit of, shall we say, assistance, once again.
‘Those days’ can be different for everyone but for me it is when in just a short moment of time, on any other day, my chest would become tight, breathing sporadic, body shaking and all of a sudden all these deep-rooted fears and anxieties would come rushing the surface of my mind and I would become a bit of a blubbering mess.
Over a period of a year or two, I could count on just one hand the times I would begin to feel this way but over time I was starting to lose count which became a big red flag to me.
Getting through the darkest stage In my younger years and achieving so much of what I have thus far, it became so painfully hard to accept a few years on that maybe I still have a few unresolved deeper issues that I may need to bring back to the surface and face head-on.
For so long I linked my happiness to where I was at in my life, I mean I was truly trying to chase my happiness. I travelled far and wide, lived in so many different places, tried all types of job, hung around all types of people and so on.
But it wasn’t until I came back to the one place I was certain held all my happiness, I was smacked with the hard truth that all my unhappiness had nothing to do with the place or the people it was much more to do with what was going on in my head.
Because there’s nothing truer than your thoughts are what create your own reality.
It’s really up to you to decide when you wake up, what kind of day you are going to have.
Externally everything was looking pretty damn great for me, I had created my world just as I had wanted but where was my uncontrollable happiness that was supposed to be waiting at the end? Ah yes, it was being clouded by all my dark thought’s and anxieties, hello not so nice to hear from you again.
The realisation that I may need to seek a little help again had been brewing up inside of me for a while now, something I mostly just repressed deeper inside because for the most part, my life was going really good, but now I know it can be even better.
It’s okay not to be okay and just let off some steam every so often, but if you feel like you can’t really control your emotions anymore it’s important to reach out for help. Message a close friend, speak to a doctor, heck, even try reaching out to some strangers on the internet, there is multiple groups, blogs, sites, and so on, offering so much support these days. (Just be smart and safe with it of course).
We all have to face some of our own demons at least once in our life but it’s up to ourselves to decide how to deal with it.
For me, I am okay with not being completely okay, I’m going to do what it takes to make sure I am thriving as the best me I can ever be and never stop doing so. I’m much stronger than the sixteen-year-old me but I still have a lot to learn and that’s okay. But you bet your sweet ass I’m gonna be coming out the end of it all knowing I did the best I could for my mental state.