I have created this new blog post series called ‘Wandering Thoughts’ as a place for me to voice what is going on in my head and to start discussions with others about the not-so-lighthearted topics we sometimes dismiss.
One of my biggest fears is that I will forget, forget the many moments that moved me, the times that changed me and the connections had with those that inspired me.
Ever since I first knew how to piece together a sentence I have written in journals, sometimes I would write about my day or about how I was feeling, sometimes I just wrote a mumble of words that made all the sense to me at the time and other times it was the things I mentioned at the start the filled the pages.
To this day I have kept every journal and almost every piece of writing I have ever conjured up. Although they spend a lot of there time in a box under the staircase, every so often I will sweep the dust of the covers and have a read through. Today is one of those days.
It is a grey and rainy kind of day, the perfect kind to stay in with the candles lit, a cup of hot coffee by your side, soft acoustic music playing in the background and your favourite fuzzy socks on. This is, in fact, my current setting along with mounds of old journals, paintings and letters currently scattered around my room.
Reading through my old journals immediately transports me back to the time of writing and all the emotions felt in the moment come rushing back to me.
I have entries from the day I first left home, the day I lost my virginity, writings of a lot of the pain that was surfacing in my life, (2012 is always the hardest year for me to read), falling in love, the heartbreaks and there even are some of the things that I had forgotten but once I read them back it all comes rushing back to me in a heartbeat.
Reading it all back always leaves me feeling a bit overwhelmed, the contrast between the journals from my early to my late teens is crazy for me. From my early teens things are very dark and always confronting for me to read back but as I make my way through the years things start to become more positive and it isn’t until about 2016 that I feel as if I am reading the words of an entirely new person, a stronger, more vibrant and happier person.
I am forever grateful that no matter what I always managed to write my days and feelings and have kept it safe all this time because I find as I get older a lot of the memories do begin to fade and life revolving around careers and mortgages begin to take over, new struggles and pressures arise and you begin to let go of the past and all that came with it, the fear of what’s to come to begin to arise.
Reading it all back reminds me of how far I really have come and I couldn’t be more proud of myself, although I feel disconnected from that girl who had written the entries back in 2012 she is still apart of me she is just no longer as weak.
Today I have been able to strip back from all that has been bothering and draining me in this present time and relive some of my old memories. Since the motion of life and work have seemed to get in the way I haven’t been writing in my current journal for a while now but when I’m ready I will get back to it and hope I will continue to do so till I’m old and frail sat in my rocking chair reading back all the old and wonderful memories I had had in my lifetime.